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I don’t know what it is in me that gives me such a drive to breastfeed. But it’s there. And it’s why we’ve gone through everything we have to keep this nursing relationship alive. I could sit here and spell out every single issue that’s come up (inability to suck, mastitis, surgery, losing supply, oversupply, etc) but reading the words on a page do nothing to show what a difficult, painful journey it has been. It will not make you feel the heartache or experience the failure. So I’m going to spare you the long, drawn out history.

I will tell you that I love nursing my son. And I will do whatever it takes to continue.

Recently, a Twitter friend who was having a lot of breastfeeding troubles posted about her daughter having a maxillary labial frenum and tongue tie. She included pictures, which looked a lot like Jbaby’s mouth. She gave me a lot of very helpful information and talked to me about her own experience. So I sent a few pictures out and got some online opinions about whether or not it would be a good idea to have him checked out. The next step was to contact the LC at the Army hospital here. She told me he was too old for her to be any help, but to contact our pediatrician for a referral to ENT. This did not leave me hopeful. It seems that the only important thing at the clinic is that a baby is gaining weight. I agree, that’s a pretty big deal. But it’s not the only thing that matters!

Our appointment was yesterday, and took all of 5 minutes. The doctor did agree to put in a referral for us, and said it was worth being looked at. But he also made sure to repeat several times that “Everyone is tongue tied.” Sorry, doc, but I’m not concerned about anyone but my son. I don’t care if Suzy Q’s frenulum receded with time. She’s not biting my nipples. I also don’t have to worry about teeth crowding or speech therapy later on for anyone but Jbaby, so I’ll keep my focus on him. Dr. H did mention a little concern about the upper lip tie, saying that an injury to that later in his childhood could cause problems.

It was really disappointing to be told not to hope for much. After all, he’s seven months old and gaining steadily. If ENT refuses to take care of the problem, there are other options. More difficult and expensive options, but that’s ok. The important thing is that we might finally have some relief. Hopefully it will be soon.

My little bundle of joy is now a chubby, active, crawling baby monster! He has really grown in leaps and bounds this past month. It’s hard to look at him now and imagine that 8lb 6oz Baby Blueberry we brought home. It’s even harder to imagine what our lives were like before he joined our little family.

Before we ever got pregnant, I wanted a girl. J wanted a girl. We even talked about our future “Linzi Marijane” any time we talked about children. And when we found out we were expecting, we of course were hoping for a girl. But, honestly, I just knew it was a boy. When we told our parents, my mom said “It’s a boy.” Still, J held out hope.

Since my husband was scheduled to be deployed for most of the pregnancy, we decided to find out the gender ASAP. We went to a place out in town around 15 weeks. Everyone sent us lots of pink vibes, and we were anxious to see who was right.

It was a boy.

Seven months later, I’m thrilled to have this little man in my life. He’s all over the place and into everything. Sure, there aren’t as many cute boy clothes, but who cares? He’d rather be naked anyway. He’s rough and tumble and mommy’s best friend. He is perfect.

It’s true. He has stolen my heart.

I am what some might call “dissatisfied” with pretty much every aspect of my life. For some time now I’ve been stuck in a rut. My wheels keep spinning and the rut is getting deeper and it seems like there’s no end in sight.It makes me feel like a terrible mother and even worse wife.

These days I’m working anywhere from 8-10 hour days or even more. I’ve got zero energy and I’m miserable. Having put off higher education to get married the summer after I graduated, move 3 times, have a baby, and work to put money in the jar, I thought getting a degree in Early Childhood Education would be the right choice for me. Wrong. But thanks to two lovely friends who one day suggested a career I’d been thinking about for months, I feel like I might be on the right track now.
I’m currently training to be a postpartum doula, and finishing up this semester of my AS degree to start Breastfeeding Counselor training. New moms and breastfeeding are the two things I’m most passionate about in life. Some day I hope to be a birth/postpartum doula and Breastfeeding Counselor for young and/or low-income mothers. That’s a bit down the road considering I’m still a pretty young mother myself.

But the issue goes beyond just my career and education. I’m overweight. Not morbidly so, but enough that it’s really not healthy for me. More than that, it’s not a good example for my son or fair to my husband. (Not saying my husband has ever or will ever make comments about my weight. Neither of us were overweight when we got married. He’s still in amazing shape, and I’ve let myself go.)
So it’s time for this big mama to hit the ground running! Or at least walking.¬† Eating healthier, watching portion size, and taking the baby out on nightly walks has already helped me lose 3lbs (towards a goal of 35) and made me feel a little better about myself. There’s still a long way to go.

All the frustration¬† in my life has led to me being downright mean. I am not the sweet, bubbly social butterfly I used to be. More like a snarky, rude, miserable old lady. That’s not who I am or who I want to be!

So there it is. My confession. The goal is to change my education, career, attitude, body image, parenting, and marriage.  Time to get it done!